Behold! Things of Ye Compass of Mallcrawl

"Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever" (superchan7) 11/01/2017 at 18:20 • Filed to: Jeep, jeep compass

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Announcement to the Good Denizens of Mallcrawl! Presenting a fair quantity of bits and bobs on the Compass 4x2 Mallcrawl Edition. Gather ‘round ye Fire of Mopar this fine evening!

Behold ye Limited Trim styling cue, a chromed wraparound character line. Black contrasting roof is also limited to Limited. Upscale vibe warmly remindeth us of our wealthier neighbours in Evoqueshire.

Standalone 19” wheel upgrade shall suit thine poseur aspirations as thou crawleth ye local public house! Thou shalt accept increased risk of damage to Carriage and Ego from farm ruts, border walls and stray cattle. Increased ride harshness compareth not to thy horse-drawn cart of olde.

Another bauble, ye mirror turn indicators do bathe themselves in golden light, with bars equal in quantity to golden ingots amassed in thy domicile.

Peasantry need not fear, for all trims of Compass available in Mallcrawl feature proud branding on both mirrors.

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:39

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I think reading this gave me cancer.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:40

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You need a “Mall Rated” badge.

2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:41

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Why take the time to write this garble over a regular review....

I just can’t

nermal > Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) 11/01/2017 at 18:47

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Plebeian.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:48

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Shoop > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:49

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This started fun, but got bad by the end.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:50

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Limited Joop

victor > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:51

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I’m assuming that said driver never needs to go to Tahoe.

FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 18:55

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I actually really like those wheels.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > 2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered 11/01/2017 at 19:03

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Because simply saying “It’s a misguided piece of shit” is not particularly rewarding to write...

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) 11/01/2017 at 19:10

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What can I say, I Made Compass Great Again.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 11/01/2017 at 19:12

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Why is it a hand grenade and not a more traditional weapon, like a Super Soaker?

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Shoop 11/01/2017 at 19:12

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You can tell I got tired, the last two blurbs were much shorter!

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > victor 11/01/2017 at 19:14

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Tahoe? Is that a distant land inhabited by the 4x4 species?

Not only is this car wrong-wheel-drive, it probably can’t even accommodate snow tires with those oversized wheels.

It’s purely for local family schleppen.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 11/01/2017 at 19:15

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So misguided that I bought it.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 19:15

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If it will kill a rabbit, I’m sure it will take out a mall crawling jeep.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > 2Fast2Furious: Rotary Powered 11/01/2017 at 19:15

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Not a review. Sharing a few features and what I thought were interesting bits of my new family car.

It barely has a hundred miles—way too early for a fair review.

SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 19:19

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Well...that’s...ummm...a little...awkward!

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > SilentButNotReallyDeadly...killed by G/O Media 11/01/2017 at 19:22

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It really rides about an inch too high, but otherwise it occupies a sweet spot in vehicle length for a small-ish family car. It’s not cramped like the rest of its subcompact class (looking at your rear seat, CX-3), but it’s not overpriced like the compact CUV class.

Also, it doesn’t look like a blob like most crossovers do.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 11/01/2017 at 19:23

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If it can take out a Mall Crawler Edition, then it can also take out a Trailhawk.

SpeedSix > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 19:39

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I’m surprised at the relative restraint of the exhaust tips - no gigantic chromed bezels on each side!

That said, the D-pillar is excessively wide.

Wacko > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 19:41

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Funny they make fwd limited.

Even funnier is they had/have North editions in fwd.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > SpeedSix 11/01/2017 at 19:45

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The D-pillar is a bit wide but the side windows are sufficiently large to do lane changes comfortably. The Blind Spot Monitor also helps, but honestly it’s not needed.

You want bad sight lines, try a Toyota C-HR.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Wacko 11/01/2017 at 19:49

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Honesty, I was surprised that this car existed (I was ready to get a 4x4 and whine about the 9-speed like everyone does). It’s exactly the spec my wife wanted, except the upgrade wheels which are less practical than the standard 18s.

What we were looking for was Nav + power liftgate, in pearl white.

It doesn’t even have the headroom-chopping sunroof.

Bman76 (hates WS6 hoods, is on his phone and has 4 burners now) > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/01/2017 at 21:40

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Now I have super cancer.

Arrivederci > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 11/02/2017 at 09:31

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Oh please oh please oh please do this.

Bonus points for also adding a windshield banner that’s upside down and says, “If you can read this roll me back over”.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 11/02/2017 at 15:52

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Awesome. I didn’t know these existed. I may need to modify it to say “4x2” to be fully accurate!

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/02/2017 at 16:31

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Yeessss!